Beware the Insanity of a Bored Teenage Girl
by Obsessive Akatsuki Fan Girl
Summary: Sasuke was bound to find the Akatsuki lair sooner or later. Only, our beloved villains aren’t home. What’s a vengeful brother to do? Wait with the sweet, innocent, and charming girl that lives there, of course! Too bad there aren’t any there…


**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto. I wish I did, but I also wish I owned Transylvania. We all know neither is going to happen!

**Author's** **Note**: I know, I know. I should be working on my millions of other projects. But this one wouldn't go away!!! I swear, I'll go work on the other stuff. Just humor me! On a lighter note, I can't believe I'm writing about Sasuke! I hate him because of Deidara and Itachi. Stupid emo, duck-butt-hair-styled, revenge obsessed, Orochimaru-trained Uchiha!!! –throws Sasuke plushie in trash-

**Songs listened to while writing this**:

_Gives you Hell_ by the All-American Rejects

_Troublemaker_ by Weezer

_No Sleep Tonight_ by the Faders

_Split Personality_ by Skye Sweetnam

**Summary**: Sasuke was bound to find the Akatsuki lair sooner or later. Only, our beloved villains aren't home. What's a vengeful brother to do? Wait with the sweet, innocent, and charming girl that lives there, of course! Too bad there aren't any there…

**Beware the Insanity of a Bored Teenage Girl**

I yawned. It was so _boring_! The Akatsuki had left me alone. In the base. Without hiding all the sharp, expensive, and electrical items. But I wasn't in the mood to destroy anything today. I wanted to do something more… subtle. I wanted to mess with someone's head.

"This is _totally_ unfair!!!" I screamed to no one in particular.

I threw the pillow I had been holding at the TV in frustration. I had been alone for THREE DAYS! It was just so dull to be alone.

_Stupid Akatsuki and their stupid missions with their stupid goals!!!_

I jumped off the couch, desperate to do something, _anything_, to relieve my boredom. Speed walking through the maze-like hallways, I quickly went into the cleaning supply closet.

_I think I've lost it._

Picking up several buckets of cleaner and like supplies, I headed down back down the hall.

Yes, I was so bored I was going to clean the house.

_Four Hours Later…_

I turned on the bathwater, sighing contentedly as I sank into the hot water. Four hours of cleaning had presented me with a suitable outlet for my pent-up energy. Of course, now I was tired, cranky, and sore.

_Still, it's not as if anything _interesting_ happened…_

Out of sheer boredom, I started mixing the Akatsuki's shampoos together. It was going to be a _long_ day.

I sighed, sinking lower in the tub. It was so boring without anyone to torture! Didn't they know that you should never leave a bored teenage girl alone? Didn't they know the insanity that teenagers were subjected to when alone and bored!?

_They suck…_

I got out of the tub, draining the water and finishing mixing up the shampoos. It was about time for lunch anyway.

_May as well mess with the fridge's contents while I'm at it. It's not like there's anything better to do. Hmmm, I wonder if Kisame would turn purple if I spiked his water with red food dye…_

I got to my room to change clothes. Akatsuki plushies and small souvenirs from my conquests against the evildoers littered the room. Nobody ever came into my room. They were too afraid. With good reason, too.

I made my way to the kitchen after changing clothes. I was so deep in thought, I didn't hear the voices till right before I entered the kitchen. Stopping dead, I listened. A small grin spread itself across my face. They were back!!!

I bounded into the room, my face spread wide in a happy grin. Seeing raven hair, I leapt onto Itachi, promptly glomping him.

"Who in the world is _this_!?"

I blinked. That wasn't Konan's voice, though it was certainly female. Turning my head uncertainly towards the source of the screech, my eyes widened.

Definitely _not_ Konan.

"Who are you?" I asked perplexedly.

"Obviously not who you thought we were," said a voice from just above me.

I looked up and gasped. Not Itachi, though he looked remarkably like him. He was almost as tall as his brother but definitely not as good looking. Younger, too.

"Oh. You're not Itachi," I said, feeling disappointed.

"You know of Itachi?" Sasuke asked, his voice low and deadly.

"Well, duh! We both live here, don't we? Of course I 'know of him'."

It did not escape Sasuke's notice that I still hadn't let go of him. He quickly grabbed my arms, unhooked me from around his neck, and dropped me rather unceremoniously to the floor.

I sat there, blinking. A girl with unkempt red hair and rather revealing clothing, a tall man with brownish-gold hair, a blue-haired man with shark teeth and a giant sword strapped to his back, and the younger Uchiha brother. Yep, I was right, it was Team Hebi.

_Well _crap_!_

"Where is Itachi?"

I stayed silent, weighing my options. Although the Akatsuki was considerably more dangerous, they were forbidden to kill me. Team Hebi, on the other hand, had no such orders.

To annoy or not to annoy? That was the question…

Sasuke sighed slightly. "I won't repeat myself."

I blinked again. "Are you sure about that?"

Sasuke glanced back to his teammates. "Search the base. If you find anyone else, bring them back to me alive, understand?"

They all nodded and took off. I watched them go with a morbid curiosity. How long would it take for them to realize that I was the only one home at the moment?

Sasuke reached down, grabbed my collar, and hoisted me up and into the nearest chair. I gulped slightly. This was going to take all my cunning, daring, and charm to pull off.

"Sorry, Sasuke-_san_, Ita-kun and the gang are out. You can wait here for them, if you like," I said as Sasuke sat down.

It was Sasuke's turn to blink. "You know the Akatsuki?"

"Yep."

"Well?"

"As well as anyone can, I suppose."

"How much can you tell me about them?"

I grinned, leaned forward, and tapped Sasuke's nose. "Not. A. Thing."

Sasuke's brow furrowed ever so slightly. We sat in silence for a few moments before Sasuke spoke.

"I can kill you, you realize."

"Yeppers!"

"Then you know it's in your best interests to tell me what I want to know. I won't hesitate to kill you if you become useless."

I sighed. "The Akatsuki wouldn't like that."

"Do I _look_ like I care?"

I studied his face carefully. "No. But either way, you won't get any information."

Sasuke seemed to think this through for a few minutes. We sat in silence once again, waiting for the rest of Team Hebi to join us.

A few minutes later, the three lackeys came back to the kitchen.

"There's nobody else here, Sasuke-kun," said Karin breathily.

I rolled my eyes. "I could've told you that."

The blue-haired man looked at me. "Then why didn't you?"

I smiled innocently at Suigetsu. "I didn't feel like it."

Before I could even blink, Suigetu's giant halberd had been implanted in the table beside me. I eyed the blade with suspicion. Wasn't it Zabuza's?

"Did you know that grave robbers get cursed when they take the deceased's most precious possession?"

Suigetu's eye twitched. "Did you know that only cockroaches can live without their head? You'd be out of luck, girlie…"

My eyes widened. "They _can_!? That is _so_ cool!!! How did you know that? Wow, Suigetsu, you're _so_ smart! Why are your teeth like that? Kisame's are like that, too. Why is Kisame blue? Would he turn purple if I spiked his water with red food dye? Why is your hair blue? Why is Sakura's hair pink? You should form a strange-hair-color club! Weren't Zabuza's teeth like that, too? Is that a requirement to join the… the…"

Suigetsu, now standing a proper distance away, raised an eyebrow. "Seven Swordsmen of the Mist?"

I snapped my fingers. "Yeah, that one! But you weren't really a member, were you? Does that mean you're a member now? Is Kisame still a member? Do you think that they could take on the Akatsuki? Who are the other members? Are you really going to collect all the swords? Are you really made out of water? How can you die, then? Are you like that movie _Highlander_? I _love_ that movie, have you seen it? I think Hidan is from it too. He'd be the creepy guy, though. Would you be the main character guy? I think we should get Sasori to play Sean Connery! We could do a remake!!!"

Suigetsu was halfway to the door. "Sasuke, I'm going to patrol. Make sure nobody sneaks in… Leave you with the hyperactive brat."

I blinked as he left. One down, three to go. Smiling an innocent, childish smile I only save for very special occasions, I got up and linked my arm with Juugo's. The tall man looked down, thoroughly disturbed. Karin's eye twitched from her position behind Sasuke. Sasuke himself even looked a bit unsettled.

"Juugo-sama, can I have your children?" I asked with wide eyes.

He looked at me. "No."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

He sighed. "Just because."

I reached up and, with considerable difficulty, tapped his nose. His eye twitched.

"That's not a reason, silly."

I could see the fragile barrier of control about to break.

"You're a kid."

My lower lip trembled. "But I love you, Juugo-sama!"

Juugo unlinked himself from me and followed after Suigetsu without a word.

"_YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!!!_" I shouted after him.

Sasuke sighed, rubbing his forehead. Karin was staring at me in open-mouthed horror.

"Karin, get some information out of her. Do whatever is necessary." Sasuke said in frustration.

Karin cracked her knuckles. "With pleasure."

I grinned. I really, and I mean _really_, hated Karin. This was going to be fun.

"Karin, why is your hair like that? It looks really weird. Why don't you just cut both sides or grow them both out? I don't know if your hairstyle turned Orochimaru on or what, but Sasuke obviously doesn't think much of it. Did you really molest Sasuke once? That would make you as perverted than Jiraiya! Did you know that Haruno Sakura nearly died like a billion times for Sasuke? And that she said she loved him? And that he thanked her? And that he was nicer to her than any other girl? He talked to her more than all the other girls, including you. I, personally, think he likes her. She's a lot cooler than you. Did you know that Sasuke's first kiss was with a guy? Uzumaki Naruto, in fact. They're supposedly 'best friends' now. I think they're really 'boy friends'."

Karin lunged at me. A snake wrapped itself around her waist, effectively holding her back. I started laughing as she attempted to reach me with her claws… I mean _nails_.

"Karin, go help the others patrol."

"But, _Sasuke-kun_-"

"_Now_."

Karin left, but not before flipping me the bird behind Sasuke's back. I stuck my tongue out at her, which seemed to affect her much more than the finger affected me.

"What is your name?"

I turned back to Sasuke. "Your Royal Majesty."

He leaned forward, very close to me. "I can make your life a living Hell. Now tell me your name."

I blinked, considered this request, then made a decision. "Scarlett."

Raised eyebrow. "Seriously?"

I nodded. "Seriously."

Sasuke leaned back in his chair. "Very well then, Scarlett. I want you to tell me everything you can about the Akatsuki in general and Itachi specifically."

"We've already been through this. What makes you think that I'm going to change my mind now?"

He smirked. "I'll let the rest of the Akatsuki live if you do."

My eyes narrowed. He was a dirty son of a…

"Sorry, but no. They're gonna kick your scrawny hindquarters up and down the hallways when they get back, for starters. Secondly, I like Itachi better than everyone else. Lastly, I hate you just enough to refuse.

"And you should know, Sasuke-_kun_, Itachi's a heck of a lot better looking than you. And he's nicer, smarter, stronger…"

I continued to list Sasuke's faults and Itachi's strengths. Just as Sasuke reached around to his katana, most likely about to cut my head off, Suigetsu returned. Flagged by Karin and Juugo. Holding my Akatsuki Plushies.

"Sasuke, this girl's _insane_! Look what I found in her room. I think she's an obsessive fan girl or a stalker. Or both. Or maybe these are voodoo dolls or something. Which would be cool. I say we destroy one and find out."

I snapped. Really, truly snapped. Like, worse than when I had snapped with Orochimaru.

"_CHESTER!!!_"

That's when Chester, furry ball of rabies that he was, came bounding into the kitchen looking ravenous.

"Eat them!!!"

All four members of Team Hebi only had a moment to turn around before Chester was upon them.

_Two hours later…_

"Don't forget to get in the corners!!! I want this place to be spotless."

Karin, along with the rest of Team Hebi, looked like they'd love nothing more than to tear me limb from limb. But they didn't dare try. Not with Chester nestled happily, and rabidly, in my lap among my Akatsuki plushies.

I hummed the tune to the Do You Like Waffles song while sipping the homemade lemonade that Suigetsu had just made.

After some time, all four members stood in front of me looking tired, sweaty, and disheveled. I inspected their job and, approving, flopped back onto the couch.

"You know, Sasu-chan, you and Team Hebi should become a cleaning business!!!"

At the precise moment, right before anyone could respond to my jibe, we all heard voices.

"But Deidara-sempai, it wasn't Tobi's fault! The tree _moved_!!!"

"Sure, Tobi, un…"

We froze as the whole of the Akatsuki walked into the living room. Itachi and Pein, leading the group, stopped dead when they saw Team Hebi.

"Itachi…" Sasuke began, his entire body shaking.

"_ITACHI!!!_" I screamed, making sure to launch and attach myself to the right Uchiha this time.

Itachi, stoic as ever, patted my head and looked at his baby brother.

"Foolish little brother…"

Sasuke prepared to launch himself at Itachi in a much less loving manner than I had just done. I frowned, unattached myself from my favorite Akatsuki member. Standing in front of the feared organization of evildoers protectively, I placed my hands on my hips, sucked in a large breath, and…

"_CHESTER!!!!! SICK 'EM!"_

But even the rabid mongoose couldn't stop Sasuke. Dodging with his Uchiha speed, Sasuke sped towards his brother.

By this time I was shaking. First he barges in to _my_ house, touches _my_ plushies, and then attacks _my _Itachi. Oh, heck no!

"Uchiha Sasuke, what would your mother say!?"

Sasuke stopped dead in front of me, his sword poised. His body gave an obvious twitch.

Itachi spoke. "What did you-"

I took the opportunity without hesitating. Grabbing the great Uchiha Sasuke by the ear, I knocked him to the ground and began to haul his sorry butt to the front door. Team Hebi looked at each other, then decided to follow.

"If I _ever_ see you near here again, so help me, I will skin you alive, feed it to Chester, and then give you to Orochimaru to molest!!!"

Throwing the sharingan-user out by his ear, I pointed, glaring at the other members.

"The same goes for you three. Out. Now."

They left with varying degrees of fear and anger. The Akatsuki just stared, before shrugging and continuing their previous courses to bedrooms and the kitchen.

Itachi sat down on the couch I had previously vacated. I, being me, seated myself on his lap and placed Chester on my own. Being the sadistic child that I am, I was rather proud of myself and I hoped Sasuke's ear would hurt for a few days.

"Scarlett, I will never understand you as long as I live," Itachi said quietly.

I reached back and kissed Itachi's cheek sweetly. "I hope not."

Suddenly, a shout came from the kitchen. A very purple Kisame darted out, looking enraged.

"Who spiked my water with red food dye!?"

I looked at him, my eyes wide with amusement. "Oops."

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**A/N**: Yay!!! Team Hebi torture and Itachi/Me Fluff!!! Please don't take any offense to my bashing of Hebi. I really only think Karin is stupid. Well, Sasuke is pretty mockable, but that's beside the point! Please review spread the love!!!


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